Written by Richie Pepio
During the 124 days before the release of The Last Jedi, I’m reviewing all 124 minutes of the theatrical version of
The Empire Strikes Back. Join me and together we will watch Star Wars….
Just like the Titanic's maiden voyage and Geostorm's Rotten Tomatoes score, Luke's X-Wing sinks to rock bottom. We can ask why it took days for the ship to finally submerge itself, but the real reason is that the screenwriters needed another obstacle for our hero to overcome. It's a damn shame though, because Luke's finally starting to learn some wicked cool tricks from his magic Crossfit trainer.
Distracted by his Rebellion-owned property gaining millions in water damage, Luke tumbles out of his handstand. And Yoda spits out today's word - "CONCENTRATE!" - before falling from a height that would break the hip of any normal 800 year old and sprain the wrist of any puppeteer.
Luke rolls around on the ground like a player hoping the ref will call a foul, but Yoda shows no sign of weakness. Instead, this living fortune cookie chastises Luke as he whines.
Yoda says: "Always with you what cannot be done. Hear you nothing that I say?" This complements his earlier line in which he told Luke that inside the Dark Side cave, Luke will be faced with "only what you take with you." Up until this point, Skywalker's been in his own way. He has the potential for great things, but he'll only achieve them if he shuts off his doubtful inner-voice, let's the Force flow through him and goes to a spa for three weeks of hydrotherapy.
Also - what's he complaining about? It's not like he was really nailing that floor routine.
Best Performance by a Human: Luke losing focus.
Best Performance by a Non-human: Yoda's wipeout.
Best Line: Yoda's "you must unlearn what you have learned."
Rating: 2.97 billion out of 3 billion fortune cookies made per year.
This was originally posted on Mindctrlaltdel.tumblr.com