Written by Richie Pepio
During the 124 days before the release of The Last Jedi, I’m reviewing all 124 minutes of the theatrical version of
The Empire Strikes Back. Join me and together we will watch Star Wars…
Minute 118:00 is big for our heroes just as tonight, 12/9/2017, is a big night for Star Wars. Yep, tonight's the official premiere of The Last Jedi at 5pm Pacific Time. StarWars.com is hosting a live stream if you’re interested in the red carpet action, but the real show's going to be on Twitter later this evening when we'll see tweets like "WOW. Can't say anything yet but WOW. JUST WOW." The embargo won't be lifted until later this week, but we'll be able to glean the types of reviews to come later this week by checking the pulse of social media after midnight.
The Millennium Falcon takes it's worst beating yet from Darth Vader's command ship, while Luke is quietly freaking out in the backseat. For a split-second, his psychic convo with Vader looks like footage from a 70's duet.
If I were Leia, piloting the ship, I'd be more than irritated that Luke decided to come in here right when an interstellar aircraft carrier was about to blow us up. We're trying to concentrate in here! Go distract yourself, play a game of holo-chess or something! And Threepio isn't helping either, he's more concerned with his amputated leg. It's been said that C-3P0 really started to grate on audience's nerves starting with Empire (before this, he was considered comedy GOLD). He never reaches Attack of the Clones-level annoying in this movie, but he's relentlessly whining to Artoo while their ship is under attack. "You haven't finished with me yet! You don't know how to fix the hyperdrive. Chewbacca can do it! I'm standing here in pieces, and you're having delusions of grandeur!"
Which dummy from Human Cyborg Relations thought this implanting this personality into a droid would sell like hotcakes? "Let's make a helpful servant robot who can't really lift anything and nags like a nightmare mother."
After all the frustration with Han’s Correllian cruiser, R2-D2 ends up being the only one able to fix the hyperdrive. They've been hopping from asteroid to gas planet, avoiding the Empire and the real solution to their problem was to just keep all the good guys in one place. They should have learned what the gang from Scooby Doo figured out long ago. You can only unmask the villain if you stick together.
So after all these complicated chases and frustrating false starts, the solution to the Falcon’s hyperdrive problem was just to have the Swiss Army Robot poke around at some exposed wiring. Yes, this finale isn’t as satisfying as the Death Star Trench Run in A New Hope, but few finales are. There’s something convenient and quaint about this resolution and it proves that blockbusters don’t need convoluted plot devices to make money, just relatable characters and creative ways to keep them in conflict.
Speaking of light speed, Quartz recently ran an excerpt from Patrick Johnson’s The Physics of Star Wars: The Science Behind a Galaxy Far, Far Away. According to this guy, Lucas’ vision of hyperspace may not be a work of fantasy. With a working sub-light engine, travelers can speed from one place to another faster than a beam of destructive laser light can hit Alderaan.
But Vader doesn’t care about the science. He’s just ticked off the Falcon got away. Perhaps he’s so shocked, that’s why he doesn’t bother killing off Piett and any of his other subordinates. He does do a double-take, however, which is surprising since you’d think he could have foreseen this. He is the Chosen One, right?!
Best Performance by a Human: Luke having a quiet panic attack in the cockpit.
Best Performance by a Non-human: Artoo reacting to the ship's jolt into hyperspace by rolling backwards into a pit and falling onto Chewbacca.
Best Line: Threepio complaining he's not getting the attention he needs from R2-D2 - "I'm standing here in pieces while you're having delusions of grandeur!"
Rating: 1890 out of 1905, which is the year Einstein published his theory of special relativity and made hyperdrive engines possible.
This was originally posted on Mindctrlaltdel.tumblr.com